The Mumps

Chances are, with so few people bothering to read this abomination, no-one noticed the month-long absence of new content, but it wasn’t because I’m being particularly lazy, nor due to living life to the fullest and having no time to poorly construct a few sentences or paragraphs, rather the impact of a really shitty virus, commonly referred to as ‘The Mumps’.

Now, I don’t want want to sound like the sissy crybaby that I'm more than likely to be, but the mumps is a horrendous affliction, and if you haven't had the misfortune of suffering it, then get your arse down to the doctor and get an MMR shot, stat! It's a fucking awful virus, and there is quite simply no other way to put it.

Yeah, you read about how it's 'worse as an adult', but that is grossly misleading. In actual fact, the warning should be, 'If you get mumps as an adult, ready yourself for up to a fortnight of constant agony', because that's precisely what the mumps has in store for the average punter.

My experience started with an aching jaw, and when I chewed, it felt like my jaw-bones were dissolving, and I had a constant pain similar to having been punched in the side of the head, which suffice to say, was not the most comfortable of starts on a two-week journey.

A day or so after my initial aches and pains, the glands near the top of my jaw decided it was their turn to gain attention, ballooning to Billy Brownless proportions, and making it fairly obvious that there was something wrong with me. The excrutiating headaches, loss of balance and appetite, strep throat, fever and full body aches was also a bit of a give-away.

Because I'm stuck in the UK, and it's almost impossible to get a National Insurance number, I hoped that the local 'doctor' would have mercy on me, and I struggled into the local clinic, and after having 4 different conversations with 2 'administrative assistants' I managed to wrangle an application form, and a doctors appointment.

I walked in to the 'office', told the Indian 'Doctor' why I was there, he examined my glands, checked my temperature and calmly stated, "You have the mumps! The mumps often attack the testicles!"

Now don't get me wrong, I think it's a good thing when a medical practitioner can confidently diagnose problems, however, when they make mention that said affliction will 'often attack the testicles', it doesn't go a long way to ease any trepidation one may have.

It would have been different if I was at the Playboy Mansion, and Heff, in all his finery was pointing to a potential Bunny suitor and gave me a wink and a nod and said, 'she'll do you well, she's been known to often attack the testicles'. Hell, it would have been significantly different.

When questioned as to whether I should have a day or two off work, Dr TesteApprehension ordered me to have 1-2 weeks away from work. What the??? Just how bad can this thing be? I was soon to find out.....

Later that night I found myself in a foetal position, with a rampaging fever, chronic migraine and throbbing gonads. Surely the boys could hold off a bit of a virus, the Mumps hype must surely be that, hype. PLEASE MAKE IT HYPE!!!

The problem was, there was no hype at all, things got steadily worse. Things got much worse.

If you're a guy, and you've been kicked/kneed/hit in the gonads, then you know of the sharp pains that are often resultant, and the feeling of nausea that can engulf you from such impact. Now, with the mumps, it's kind of like that, except a helluva lot more painful, and frequent.

My 'nads started swelling, and they just kept on expanding. Eventually, they were literally the size of a - pardon the pun - softball. Seriously! A softball! Have you ever seen a set of balls that large? The call of 'leave the size, but take away the pain' never crossed my mind, because every time I moved, some unseen assailant stabbed me in the 'nads with a razor sharp knife, and this literally continued for days.

The problem was, because I was suffering from some heinous fever, and I would have hot sweats, followed by cold sweats, I had to keep the fluids up to stop me spiralling down into the abyss, but the water, paracetamol and electrolytes made me want to piss, and the ritual of taking a piss must have been one of the most feared things I've ever had to face. The first part was getting out of bed, which although not usually an arduous task, became a nightmare. I had no balance and no strength, but I had to ever-so-gently move inch-by-inch into a sitting position, trying to ignore Jack-The-Ripper slashing my poor lads to pieces.

Once in a sitting position (which usually took 3-4 minutes), I had to stand up (1-2 minutes) and then walk upstairs (including mandatory rest, 2-3 minutes) where I'd then have to face my demons. There's a phrase that's sometimes used, and it's known as 'pissing razor blades', few phrases ring more true than this. Having finished the biz, you'd think there'd be some respite for our intrepid adventurer, but alas no, finishing going to the toilet usually resulted in chronic stomach cramps, and at one point I found myself writhing on the bathroom floor, where I ended up sleeping for an unknown length of time. I woke up, needing to take a leak....only karma can explain this, seriously! Fortunately, I didn't need to walk up stairs, so there was some anciliary benefit.

Two words can aptly describe the mumps: NO GOOD!

Nearing the end of the first week, things got worse! Not only was I suffering from the aforementioned problems, but because I couldn't eat, I started hallucinating and often found myself shivering on a saturated bed (sweat), totally unaware of where I was or what time it was. Things were not good!

In the first week of the Mumps (Mon-Sun), I ate the following, literally:-

• 1 bowl of cereal,
• 1 tomato,
• 3 mandarines,
• 2 slices of toast,
• 1 bowl of ice cream,
• 1 bowl of fish pie (I don't think I was hullucinating),
• 2 bananas.

You don't get to my size with a diet like this, so to say I was somewhat weak and lethargic, was like saying that my mate Az pisses alot when he's on the turps.

I was indeed overlooking the abyss for a while, and there was a time where all I wanted to be was laying on my massive green couch back in Hamlyn Heights, watching DVD's.... oh what I would have given for that!

I'd outline the 'highlights' of the mumps, but there weren't any, just a steady stream of excrutiating pain and suffering, punctuated by bouts of the following:-

• Migraines,
• Swollen & Painful testicles,
• Nausea,
• Fever,
• Dizziness,
• Lethargy,
• Anxiety,
• Loss of Appetite,
• Hullucinations,
• Aches & Pains,
• Mindnumbing boredom.

It didn't help that I couldn't watch television, look at a computer or read for more than 2-3 minutes at a time, nor the fact that most of my friends and family were 21 hours away, and with no transport I was at the mercy of the mumps, but now that we (my testicles and I) have overcome the mumps, let the good times roll!!!!