Just over a week ago, ITV released an abomination on us all, called 'Celebrity Love Island', which saw 12 'celebrities' - and I use this term very loosely - being placed on some exotic island near Fiji, all in the so-called name of love. Now I'll throw caution to the wind here, and rate this as possibly the single lamest 'reality television' concept to have ever been aired in the history of television. Sure, if I was producing this abomination, it would be interesting, as the 'celebrities' would be a fine mix of individuals, unlike this mud that ITV is throwing at us. I'm not sure which is saddest; the show, it's following, or the fact that I'm actually spending time bashing out a few lines about it. If I wasn't so angered by the article about the article I read about Rowan Bonson, I would not be writing this, but since angry I am, writing is I, for want of token Yoda-isms and to extend this opening paragraph to even more unwieldy of lengths.
So let's look at the 'celebrities'...if you aren't living in the UK and you have any freaking idea who any of these are, then I'm both surprised, and ashamed at such a revelation....
Apparently there were 12 contestants, but one seems to have vanished, and although it would have been entertaining if she'd been devoured by Piranha or sharks, I'll let the more intrepid and interested reader (how does one spell oxymoron?) do some research on that puppy, because I'm not going into it....but on with roll call....
BLOKES:
Callum Best (George Best's son),
Fran Cosgrove (I'm a celebrity & fiance of some Atomic Kitten chick),
Paul Danan, (Hollyoaks),
Michael Greco, (Eastenders)
Du'aine Ladejo (Olympic Athlete),
Lee Sharpe (Footballer)
CHICKS:
Lady Isabella Hervey (Some silver-spooner),
Rebecca Loos (Some scrag that shagged Beckham),
Liz McClarnon (Atomic Kitten),
Jayne Middlemiss, (TV Presenter)
Judi Shekoni (Model & Actress),
Abi Titmuss (UK's Paris Hilton).
Now seriously, if you're not from the UK - or here now - the chances of you knowing any of these muppets is pretty low, but being the top bloke that I am, I'll give you a quick bio of each of these monkeys.
Callum Best
Can't deny that his old man wasn't a champion footballer, but that gives you no right to tattoo the word 'Best' above your arse-crack, particularly if you're a bloke. Let's face it, it's hot for chicks to have some subtle tattoo in this location, but for guys, it's....it's impossible to convey just how wrong this is.
Fran Cosgrove
I'm not sure what this guy's claim to fame is, but it seems pretty tenuous, to say the least. I would have thought that he's the token 'guy who loves himself', but there's far too many of those going 'round, that I'm at a loss to figure out what's brought him here. He must have been in Coronation Street or one of those shows.
Paul Danan
If this guy doesn't have a batch of Rohypnol hidden in his luggage, then I'll go he. He's a dead set date rapist! He is to being a wanker, what Jordan was to basketball, but having said that, he's more of a certainty to scoop every 'Unintentional Comedy' award of 2005 than Nick Dal Santo is to win the Brownlow.
Michael Greco
The token 'totally uninteresting' participant. The only memorable thing he'll be renowned for is for articulating what everyone in the UK must be thinking; Abi Titmuss is an annoying fucking bint.
Du'aine Ladejo
The token black guy, who is probably the least abrasive person in the group.
Lee Sharpe
One of the greater England footballers of recent years, with 1 cap, and erm, a quickly burnt out career. Rumour has it he was banished/deported to Fiji because of his pathetic efforts in the worlds most hilarious television production; celebrity wrestling (sense a theme here?).
Isabella Hervey
Some silverspooner socialite who was responsible (with the Date Rapist) for possibly the most boring television in British boring television history.
Rebecca Loos
Token bisexual whose claim to fame was being banged by Beckham. Has a magnificent set of cans, and more hair on her upper lip than Merv Hughes. No doubt she'll receive a few of the Best before the end of shooting, so to speak.
Liz McClarnon
First chick to crack due to being 'conscientious of her body' after some lame-arse challenge where weight-guessing was the arduous task engineered by the pioneering team producing this viewing masterpiece. Redeeming point: people being reduced to tears on 'reality tv'!
Jayne Middlemiss
Fair dinkum, how many times can this drama queen be reduced to a blubbering mess in a week? What's the record, surely she must be getting close? Someone? Anyone? We need to know these things! I like Lee, he doesn't like me, I thought he did, I think I'll cry. As Dennis Leary so poignantly said, "Life sucks, get a fucking helmet!"
Judi Shekoni
Perhaps the Date Rapist killed her, put her in a 44 gallon drum and hid her in an old unused bank in some backwater South Australian town? Who knows?!
Abi Titmus
She's got the old 'leaked sex video' credential on the CV, and in true slapper style, she's pretty bloody average. There's no way you'd do her sober, unless of course it was a footy trip, and your name was 'Wes', then maybe you'd hit it.
So yeah, these guys are on an island for 5 weeks together, and 'true love' is expected to be the end result. That's unintentional comedy, particularly given that most of the 'contestants' have all spent considerable time with each other prior to the contest, what a concept.
I'm not interested in what will happen, because the mere fact that this show has gone to air - and I'm chronicling it no less - is bona fide evidence that we're all (apart from me because I'd never watch this rubbish) lemmings for viewing this, and that society is most definitely in decline.
I can safely say that this is the worst reality show that has ever hit any network, and the worst 30 minutes of my writing career. In need of some sagely advice, I turn to Coach from 'Revenge of the Nerds'....
"Well if I was you I'd do something about it. I would get up and redeem myself in the eyes of my father, my maker, and my coach!"
At least I've set myself a low foundation to bounce back from.
No idea why the formatting has gone to shit....but oh well.
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