April fools & beyond

It looked like the best thing that the UK press could muster up for April fools day was some rubbish article depicting the 'NFL Style' bastardisation of the Premier League. Actually, even now I'm not sure if the article was a joke or not, it's hard to tell with the poorly written mud that the tabloids throw up over here, but anyway, I'm not here to mention April 1st for this reason, rather it was the platform for my biggest weekend in the UK to date, which isn't really saying much considering that I've rarely stepped outside the door to do anything apart from buying soup and noodles.

Friday, April 1st

Aside from the few Hoegaardens and a really good burger at some chic underground restaurant/bar hidden in the recesses of Covent Garden, the highlight must have been the watching the disbelieving facial expressions of the lads (DJD & Chez-Money) whilst in the 'Nag's Head'. Over a couple of quiet pint or two of Guinness, we witnessed a woman who could easily have been a world champion in Cleavage Display throwing pose after pose to not only her immediate admirers, but the wider populace in general. Apart from Homer, I'm yet to witness such a display of drooling. DJD wasn't up to kicking on, citing a stomach ache - which he blamed quite literally on a dodgy vindaloo he'd had earlier - but an educated man knows that it was the visual entreaties from She_With_Massive_Cleavage which had him home early. As for the profuse sweating, I'm not volunteering possible reasons for that.

Saturday, April 2nd

Saturday was a pretty big day (after getting up at lunch-time - which I'm sure surprises no-one), and DJD and I meandered down to Brent Cross to check out some of the stores and spend some of our hard-earned, which loosely translates to CBJ being a tight-arse and looking for the ultimate bargain because he can't stop converting everything from £££ to $$$.

Be that as it may, we rolled into TK Maxx (like a brand labeled factory seconds/discontinued lines place) and purchased some clobber. The best purchase was a tie, reduced from £25 to £3. GO YOU GOOD THANG!!!

Also beat DJD to a nice purple tie, snagged another tie and a couple of business shirts for my troubles. Even with my effortless currency conversions, it was a good deal to be had, particularly for the quality of goods. Then we really stumbled onto the cheap stuff, as we meandered into one of the cheapest sports shops I've ever seen (outside of India), including a polo (£3.29), a t-shirt (£2.89), a cap (£2.69) and a football (£2.39).

The next few hours were spent showing the UK our footballing prowess, as we showed up all the lads in Gladstone Park To say I was the most uncoordinated Soccer player there would not be grossly overstating the actuality of the situation. Two words.... No Good!

We had planned to hit the 'Redback' on Sunday, and as such, there were no plans to have a big night, but after a trip (instigated from Bazza's email) to www.ratemybody.com things soon changed. And it wasn't Barry's girlfriend that led to it, mainly a disenchantment with our state of sobriety....Well that and the fact there was a bottle of bacardi within reach....

From my meagre experiences, when you're looking for a place to drink, you generally try and avoid places where there is a need for club/bar security to body search patrons, but hey, when in Rome......

Living in the cul de sac that is Neasden, it was only natural that we'd look at the local haunts, and the first stop was Finbars, which is somewhat more Irish in name than anything else, unless by 'Irish' you mean "full of Polish bar chicks & lots of seedy black guys playing pool", in which case it would have been considered extremely Irish.

The least threatening within the 'bar' were the bar chicks, but we weren't sure if they were really bored or actually suffering from bouts of narcolepsy, and in between dazed expressions (from them, not us - surprisingly) they informed us that the place over the road was a better place to be at. However, we may have misunderstood them between their alcohol and cigarette intakes.

Now I almost take exception when a bartender tells me that the 'place over the road is heaps better', particularly when it's said in a bored Polish accent, I think it can be read in one of two ways, those being:- "fuck off hosers, we don't take kindly to your type around here" or "this place really is shite, if we were able to get jobs paying more than we get at this shithole, then you would only find us here at gunpoint!".

Perhaps because I'm in denial, I read it more as the latter, and when the 'manager' looked to deposit a gun behind the cash register, DJD and I agreed it was time to leave, and quicker than it takes me to finish this sentence - shocking grammar and all - we did.

We'd earlier read that there was 'FREE ENTRY UNTIL 10:30' at some 'Disco' being held at the pub closest to my place, and being the Disco-lovers that we are, there was only one possible venue for us.

One thing we didn't count on at that stage was the type of disco it would be. The only thing that would have shocked me more, was if we'd rolled into a 'Blue Light' disco, but no, it was a Polish disco....

And we were body searched prior to entering...seriously.... I can't make this stuff up!

Now don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty racially diverse guy, but there was something quite strange about a Polish disco where the DJ was only playing R&B and reggae. DJ Dick had words, but even his professional association wasn't enough to yield results. Stubborn Poles, it's not like we invaded them in 1939, so where's the love???

Because we were the new kids in town (and too shitscared to do anything), we didn't want to rock the boat, so we were on our best behaviour. We met this rockin' Pole, called Mattay, who had a few home truths to tell about Poles in the UK, of which some of the best were:-

1. Polish men are no good and take their women to the UK because they figure it's the best they'll ever get.
2. Polish women are no good and go with their men to the UK because they figure they can't get any better.
3. Most Polish people are stupid.
4. 'Most' was "about 95%"
5. The most dangerous people in London are angry young Poles.
6. 'Neasden' is Polish for "this is our homeland".

So we all got talking, and before long we were discussing partners and the like; which led to the following exchange:-

PolishChick:- "So do you guys have girlfriends?"

CBJ:- "I have an abandonment disorder, which basically sees me find someone far too good for me, only to leave them for some lame-arse reason. I'm not interested in women currently. I deserve to die a lonely and bitter bachelor!"

PolishChick:- "Ummm, OK.........and how about you?"

BEST...LINE...EVER...

DJD:- "I like girls...."

PolishChick:- "Huh???"

DJD:- "I like their faces and their bodies...."

PolishChick:- "You Australians are freaks!!!"

OK, so she didn't respond like that, but she most definitely was thinking it, and I'm not sure that either of us did our country proud, but we got out of there without using words like 'Birkenau', so that was one saving grace, albeit minute.

We ran the gauntlet back to my place, scared we'd get bashed by skinhead Poles.

Sunday, April 3rd.

CBJ:- "Fk me, I've got a shocking headache!"

DJD:- "Maybe it was the Bacardi, or the beer, or snakebites or the Vodka shots that bartender kept getting us for free!"

CBJ:- "Did we eat?"

DJD:- "I don't think so!"

Some would argue that you get wiser with age, but we're living proof that some of us just don't evolve, or if we do, it's an imperceptible rate. But that's why us neanderthals get punished, Charles Darwin got some things right, that's for sure.

I'm not sure how, but we managed to saddle up, and with the help of Willesden's best kebab, we were able to drag ourselves out to Acton Town to face up to an afternoon of beverages and good music.

Now seriously, if you want a good Sunday afternoon session, then the Redback in Acton Town is the place to be. Not only do they serve up cheap Snakebites - which I'm loathing to like - but there's a FREE BBQ there, good music and an endless merry-go-round of entertainment.

Seriously, I have not seen such a diverse group of people in the same place, EVER!! There was 'Mingers Corner' which - I shit you not - had a collection of the ugliest 10 people I've ever seen (well 8 if you take DJD & CBJ out of the equation). There was one of the original Oompa Loompas from Charlie & The Chocolate factory and other assorted freaks. However, to balance the ledger, there were also some damn fine lookers, one of which was BTLC's girlfriend, who would have rated very high on Mike Matthews' 'finger scale'. For those struggling, check out 'The Last Boy Scout'!

The three best T-shirts (verbatim) seen @ the redback:-

1. Free Sex,
2. It won't suck itself,
3. I'd f*ck 'her.

Ok, not necessarily the most high-brow of humour, but the group (chicks included) got a sardonic chuckle at each of them.

However, with work attendance required on the Monday, and the physical impossibility of being able to get hammered two days in succession, we pulled up stumps at 8PM and caught the tube back to our respective abodes.

Good weekend, and although without a story to rival the 'cranking good time' had by some @ 'The Church' the previous weekend, it still rated highly. That Church story another day.