UK AFL Observations....

Having spent so much time at Telstra Dome over the last 5 years, I thought that I'd not miss the great game nearly as much as I do, but in order to get my fix, I thought I'd serve up a 20 minute review of the 2005 AFL Premiership Season, now that we're at the half-way point.

Adelaide:-

What's going on here? 3rd place? Sure, that monkey Ayres left, and although he's probably the worst AFL coach of the last 20 years, that alone shouldn't springboard a bunch of muppets like it seemingly has. The gods of karma will nail me to the wall for this one, watch the apathetic looking Ken McGregor to beat the Cats next week!

Brisbane:-

Sure, we all knew the Bears were slowing down, but what gives here? I'd get as much of the pill as Voss these days, and the only reason they've fluked a couple of games is because the lad from Camperdown is a machine! But how long until the metal plates in his skull rub together the wrong way and he lays waste to an entire team? When do they play the Roos? Can Leigh Colbert be the prime target here? Someone make it happen, Jonathan??

Carlton:-

16th position isn't that bad! It's not like Soccer, so the Blues wont get relegated, more's the pity! That Andrew Walker is definitely a brownlow candidate and big Lance has definitely been the real deal this year, like was predicted. I can't believe I can still type whilst laughing so hard....

Collingwood:-

Yeah yeah, I took the piss out of them and they summarily mauled the insipid Cats, but it doesn't detract from the fact they're still 13th and fkn rancid! It's obvious why they drafted Cameron and Jason now..... all they need to do is tie Travis up long-term then cut loose the elder Cloke dead-wood. I read an article about how the Pies would be relieved that they didn't trade Didak for Nick Stevens....are they totally fucking insane??? I bet Mike Sheehan wrote that article. If he didn't, he shoulda.

Essendon:-

*giggling*

They go alright these Dons! Matty Lloyd is awesome without a midfield winning the ball, he's snared like under 20 goals, that's not too bad! Poor Hirdy! Perhaps the team's resident excitement machine can take them to the promised land? Is 14th the promised land??

Fremantle:-

They added Schofield and Carr to their line-up and they're still struggling? At least Pavlich is making the leap, perhaps the cats can trade Kent Kingsley for him, after all Kingsley has given 1.5 the output of Lloydy, but perhaps the Shockers want someone to stage for free kicks in the goal square. Kent can't compete with that. 9th? What is that?

Geelong:-

From contenders to dwellar-fodder in a couple of weeks! If the Speedster Wocjinski was on-board none of this would be happening. We all know this! Look for the Cats to drop some more simple games to shitty teams. The Hawks would be next? 4th is not the return that was envisaged a few weeks ago, but hey, people were talking about Nate Ablett to make his debut as well. What's happened to him? Was he on the same plane as The Big Bopper and Ritchie Valance?

Hawthorn:-

When Mark Williams is leading the goalkicking, you know there's something not-quite-right about the league! If Luke Hodge doesn't win a brownlow, then I'm not sitting in London listening to 'Stereophonics', and I am, so he will! The only reason he shouldn't win the Brownlow is because he's from Colac, and no inbred hillbilly should win a brownlow, even though plenty of Tasmanians have in the past!

Kangaroos:-

Yeah, yeah yeah...shinboners spirit, reckon I've not heard that before?! Someone just crack Colbert and we'll all be happy. They'll drop, they just don't have the cattle to do this every year! Although they do have big Sav!!


Melbourne:-

Team is looking solid, and it's good to see Moloney kicking on, but then again, what Geelong player doesn't do well at Melbourne? Fortunately there was no Grgic involved in this trade, although I'm sure big Ilya was on the periphery somewhere. Top 4 club this year, I fear to say.

Port Adelaide:-

Now don't get me wrong, I rate Josh Francou, but I still don't understand the whole, 'it's ok if we lose Carr and Schofield, because Josh will soon be back' line of thinking. This is a guy that's missed two years of footy, right? And he's supposed to be up to making up for Schofield and Carr leaving? I'm not entirely certain how this logic works, but maybe that's why Port are sitting 11th on the ladder, who knows?!

Richmond:-

The greatest thing about not having easy access to the AFL is that I don't have to put up with probably the most annoying fucking thing in world sports, the Tigers bandwagon! I feel sorry for all you bastards back home having to endure this! It must be horrendous! Things should return to normal next year when the Tigers collapse in a screaming heap, and their 'star' players go missing again, but hey, perhaps this time it's different. I realised that I just doomed the Cats to lose to Richmond, but as long as someone smacks Wayne Campbell, I'll be happy.... ok, less sad. 5th? Too high for this cyclically ordinary rabble-posing-as-a-league-team phenomenon.

St. Kilda:-

Now let me get this right, these guys are in 8th position? How does this work? Didn't they draft Ball, X & R Clarke, Goddard, Koschitzke and Riewoldt with some pretty high picks? Didn't they spend a couple of million on Hammill, Powell and Gehrig, and hasn't Dal Santo already won 4 consecutive Brownlows? Isn't Luke Penny and Matt Maguire the greatest FB/CHB combination in history? What's going on here? Sure, they haven't had Richmond's draw and they've had a few injuries and suspensions, but 8th? St Kilda with a bullet!! They'll finish 3-5 or else the G-Train will go ballistic and kill 13 people in a mass killing spree, of which one is sure to be Colbert!

Sydney:-

This team is overrated, and I don't care what you're thinking on the topic, you're just plain wrong! If Sydney make the 8, I'm willing to do a nude run down the main street of Neasden! They're only in 6th because Paul Roos is 'such a nice guy' and because all the other teams that should be ahead of them are inexplicably bad! This will change, I hope!

West Coast:-

What can you say? Fk the Eagles and the horse they rode in on!! They're too good too soon, and I don't like the fact that Ben Cousins didn't play for the Cats like his father, nor the fact that Chris Judd isn't playing for them either. You'd think the football Gods would be fair. Then again, because Richmond are traditionally so fkn bad, perhaps they are fair! Hmmr!

Western Bulldogs:-

Who does Robert Murphy think he is? What's that all about? Scott West is what? 43 years old? He gets more of the ball than I did when I had mumps. Looks like some of the lads are stepping up, particularly Cooney and Tim Walsh! Hahahaha! Just missing the 8 I reckon, but you gotta give these guys credit, particularly freaks like Brad Johnson!

GO THOSE INSIPID FKN CATTERS!!!!!