We were discussing nicknames, and a relatively unknown acquaintence - whose name is 'Richard' - put forward his two cents (or is that pence??) as to his favoured moniker.
"I prefer dick, honestly! Dick! Yes, I definitely like Dick the best!"
Each to their own I guess!
Monday, June 27, 2005
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Late Night Fried Chicks
It’s 4am, and two hungry lads are at a 24/7 Fried Chicken place, placing an order to a Polish girl with broken English.
One of the lad, with a slow monosyllabic drawl….
“I like Polish girls! I want to take a Polish girl back to Australia with me!”
One of the lad, with a slow monosyllabic drawl….
“I like Polish girls! I want to take a Polish girl back to Australia with me!”
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Random Weekend Quote
"Man, this girl's in my range, I've got a chance! She's not very good, you know!"-- Anon.
Monday, June 06, 2005
A tribute to Borat from Kazakhstan
For all you Ali G fans out there (all three of you), you might be familiar with the great man Borat from Kazakhstan, and possibly even some of his greatest feats in life! Well I'm about to talk about a bit of a tangent from one of Borat's episodes, and it revolves around bowel movements, of all joyous topics. So if you are not interested in bowel movements, and in particular - mine - then there is no point in reading this article.....seriously........stop now........two words.. NO GOOD!
So there I was at work today, and I'd had a surprisingly good steak last night, which if you know my bowel movements, you'd know that it's the most effective mechanism for having a few quality trips to the good ole WC, if the word 'quality' can really even be attributed to such visits. So I'm sitting at work, doing something of unimaginable importance (no doubt) and the stomach rumbled a bit. Now this wasn't one of those, 'reckon some food would be handy soon' types of rumble, this was a fully fledged, 'run for cover because there's one helluva eruption about to take place' variety. You've heard of Krakatoa? You get the message?!
So I casually sprint to the toilet screaming 'TALL GUY COMING THROUGH' and if there'd been a crowd before me, they would have parted...no doubt whatsoever. I get to the toilet and one cubicle is taken, and I'm facing my first dilemma! What if the person in the cubicle is someone of importance? Surely I'll be deported, shot or sacked at the very least once things get out of hand....and then it starts! You know when you have a good old fashion GUSHER, and it's just squirting out, and all you can do is hold on for dear life? You know you're making a mess, but given that the options are a) mess and b) death, you're somewhat unkempt at the end, but if the directional targetting is OK, then it shouldn't be that bad....right?!
After a few agonizing seconds, I thought of gushing oil wells from 'Dallas' and then things settled, or at least I hoped they had. But like everything, there are rules to these things, and if you screw with the rules, bad things happened. Being the impaired muppet that I am, I reached for the toilet paper, thinking it was over, and before I had even torn off the paper to fold (yes, I fold, I'm not a 'scruncher') the Gods of Bowel Movements were there with me, mocking me openly and giving me a taste (figuratively speaking, of course) of their true power. Now before I go on any further here, I want you to think about the following....
When guys take a snake's hiss, they sometimes count to see how long it goes for (don't deny it lads, you know you do) particularly if it's going to go on for 20 seconds or so. I'm not sure if women do this, it's one of the great mysteries, though I'm bound to endeavour to seek the answer to it next time I'm out!
Ok, so with the aforementioned paragraph in the bank, consider this...after a 'few' seconds of the secondary I was curious as to how long it would 'last' because it didn't seem it was going to cease any time soon, so I commenced the count. Now I understand the scientific methodology behind accurate time-keeping, so I stuck to the fundamentals....
One-one thousand...
Two-one thousand...
Three-one thousand...
.......
Sixteen-one thousand.... (What the fk??)
.......
Twenty-two one thousand....
WHOAH!!! Keep in mind this was one continual stream, this wasn't me involved in coitus (because I know you'd call my bluff on the longevity), this was me taking a dump.
AND THIS WAS ONLY ROUND TWO!!!!
Round three lasted 15 seconds, and rounds 4-16 inclusive were very sporadic, and I wasn't too thorough in my recording here, because I'd already captured enough data......
If I were academically inclined, I'd dig up some information on the average bowel capacity, but I'm willing to give up this quest and just assume the worst. Either I've got one of the largest bowel's on the planet, or I'm full of shit.
In the words of the immortal great, Borat (in his etiquette episode), "I had a good shit!"
So there I was at work today, and I'd had a surprisingly good steak last night, which if you know my bowel movements, you'd know that it's the most effective mechanism for having a few quality trips to the good ole WC, if the word 'quality' can really even be attributed to such visits. So I'm sitting at work, doing something of unimaginable importance (no doubt) and the stomach rumbled a bit. Now this wasn't one of those, 'reckon some food would be handy soon' types of rumble, this was a fully fledged, 'run for cover because there's one helluva eruption about to take place' variety. You've heard of Krakatoa? You get the message?!
So I casually sprint to the toilet screaming 'TALL GUY COMING THROUGH' and if there'd been a crowd before me, they would have parted...no doubt whatsoever. I get to the toilet and one cubicle is taken, and I'm facing my first dilemma! What if the person in the cubicle is someone of importance? Surely I'll be deported, shot or sacked at the very least once things get out of hand....and then it starts! You know when you have a good old fashion GUSHER, and it's just squirting out, and all you can do is hold on for dear life? You know you're making a mess, but given that the options are a) mess and b) death, you're somewhat unkempt at the end, but if the directional targetting is OK, then it shouldn't be that bad....right?!
After a few agonizing seconds, I thought of gushing oil wells from 'Dallas' and then things settled, or at least I hoped they had. But like everything, there are rules to these things, and if you screw with the rules, bad things happened. Being the impaired muppet that I am, I reached for the toilet paper, thinking it was over, and before I had even torn off the paper to fold (yes, I fold, I'm not a 'scruncher') the Gods of Bowel Movements were there with me, mocking me openly and giving me a taste (figuratively speaking, of course) of their true power. Now before I go on any further here, I want you to think about the following....
When guys take a snake's hiss, they sometimes count to see how long it goes for (don't deny it lads, you know you do) particularly if it's going to go on for 20 seconds or so. I'm not sure if women do this, it's one of the great mysteries, though I'm bound to endeavour to seek the answer to it next time I'm out!
Ok, so with the aforementioned paragraph in the bank, consider this...after a 'few' seconds of the secondary I was curious as to how long it would 'last' because it didn't seem it was going to cease any time soon, so I commenced the count. Now I understand the scientific methodology behind accurate time-keeping, so I stuck to the fundamentals....
One-one thousand...
Two-one thousand...
Three-one thousand...
.......
Sixteen-one thousand.... (What the fk??)
.......
Twenty-two one thousand....
WHOAH!!! Keep in mind this was one continual stream, this wasn't me involved in coitus (because I know you'd call my bluff on the longevity), this was me taking a dump.
AND THIS WAS ONLY ROUND TWO!!!!
Round three lasted 15 seconds, and rounds 4-16 inclusive were very sporadic, and I wasn't too thorough in my recording here, because I'd already captured enough data......
If I were academically inclined, I'd dig up some information on the average bowel capacity, but I'm willing to give up this quest and just assume the worst. Either I've got one of the largest bowel's on the planet, or I'm full of shit.
In the words of the immortal great, Borat (in his etiquette episode), "I had a good shit!"
Barking at 'The Dog'
The 'Spotted Dog' in Willesden Green is like a poor man's Church, it's a pub that masquerades as a club, where at 11pm on the dot, the bouncers muster up all the miscreants in attendance and ship them downstairs to 'Sindrome', which is a large cavernous place with a stage that has been known to remind some of an aircraft hanger, although I've been told by a 'reliable source' that it was originally a 'stable', but it's all relative....what with the 'reliable source' being the guy that was convinced that I was from 'The Boyscouts of America', and all. 'The Dog' was apparently going to be the scene for the night's festivities, and as CBJ arrived late to see the rest of the squad, it was obvious that DJD, TheKid and MBC were up for a big'un, with the pre-departure drinks in full swing and some really irresponsible use of electric clippers underway! Fortunately, DJD had the digicam, and there's some photographic evidence of some male Brazilian preparation! Shit, that's not fortunate at all, what am I saying here?!?! Anyway, the most apt thing was that Rodriguez - the Brazilian housemate - apparently found the remains, well funny for those arriving late on the scene, and with no real sense of humour, to at least note the chronicler.
With clipper-action out of the way, and substantial beer, bacardi and makers mark consumed, the quartet were off to The Dog, with TheKid a distant last in the sobriety stakes, but looking to cover some ground nonetheless! The initial sortie passed with no lasting injuries, and then - as the clock chimed 11pm - it began! The happenings at The Dog are like Nascar, there's just a heap of trailor-park-dwellars watching better attired dwellars jostle for position in the hope of taking the podium. Recently I read on ESPN.com that at the last Nascar race, a chick came fourth....very apt when you come to think about it, pardon the pun!
Anyway, the lads were off, with TheKid covering more territory than Burke and Wills, and doing a mighty fine job in imitating their staggering last few steps. The fact he kept this up for a number of hours is but a tribute to the great man! DJD was busting moves and getting 'in' with the local DJ (again) and CBJ and MBC were taking wagers on who would find Ubiquitous Nick first. The early rounds were very interesting, with previous track records being brought back into conversation, making DJD the early - and perennial favourite - causing additional wagers from the C&M, not that anything could stop TheKid, who had covered 304kms by 1am.
But then it went all pear-shaped, with some stalker chick on the scene, dogging (as in annoying, not what you're assuming) the smeg out of the lads! TheKid then seemingly got caught up with one of David Copperfield's tricks and vanished, and MBC spotted Ubiquitous Nick before CBJ! If ever there was a time for an ominous foreshadowing, then this was surely it. CBJ in one of the less intelligent moments in his not-so-intelligent life then told a burly skin-headed queue jumper what he thought of queue jumpers, and all hell broke loose...
CBJ:- Dude, that's shithouse! It's not like I've been here for five minutes or anything!
SHQJ:- What do you mean? (in a thick scottish accent)
CBJ:- I mean a 'queue' is just that, and surely there's some social etiquette left amongst us?
SHQJ:- Right! That's it, you're having a Tequila!!!
CBJ:- Umm, no! Fight me or something, it will do less damage!
SHQJ:- Barman, make that 5 Tequilas.
There was no coming back from this point, and the initial - and subsequent - Tequilas did little apart from form the foundation of one of the greatest hurls in hurling history! Such was the case that CBJ is expected to be playing at Croke Park next season.
With TheKid out of the picture, the three remaining meandered off to Huddlestone, with 4 people in tow, to share in the 'free alcohol' that was supposedly to be found in abundance at #31.
It's rather uncanny that when a nightspot closes down, the promise of 'free alcohol' can often lead to some interest, so the G7 meandered back to polish off what the remaining 3 shots of alcohol on the house! Abundance!!!
But then the 'obvious foreshadowing' really kicked in, and CBJ, recognising his plight, made a pre-emptive strike, in all it's stomach wrenching glory! DJD, who for some inexplicable reason stayed vigilent throughout the performance rated it as 'one of the most disgusting things ever', but being pre-emptive, everyone was a winner and with some basic housekeeping, it was good as gold!
If there was more to tell, then any omission is purely because it would be heresay, but MBC and the visitors wandered off - in search of TheKid, perhaps - DJD retired to his room, and CBJ did what he tends to do these days, very bloody little!
With clipper-action out of the way, and substantial beer, bacardi and makers mark consumed, the quartet were off to The Dog, with TheKid a distant last in the sobriety stakes, but looking to cover some ground nonetheless! The initial sortie passed with no lasting injuries, and then - as the clock chimed 11pm - it began! The happenings at The Dog are like Nascar, there's just a heap of trailor-park-dwellars watching better attired dwellars jostle for position in the hope of taking the podium. Recently I read on ESPN.com that at the last Nascar race, a chick came fourth....very apt when you come to think about it, pardon the pun!
Anyway, the lads were off, with TheKid covering more territory than Burke and Wills, and doing a mighty fine job in imitating their staggering last few steps. The fact he kept this up for a number of hours is but a tribute to the great man! DJD was busting moves and getting 'in' with the local DJ (again) and CBJ and MBC were taking wagers on who would find Ubiquitous Nick first. The early rounds were very interesting, with previous track records being brought back into conversation, making DJD the early - and perennial favourite - causing additional wagers from the C&M, not that anything could stop TheKid, who had covered 304kms by 1am.
But then it went all pear-shaped, with some stalker chick on the scene, dogging (as in annoying, not what you're assuming) the smeg out of the lads! TheKid then seemingly got caught up with one of David Copperfield's tricks and vanished, and MBC spotted Ubiquitous Nick before CBJ! If ever there was a time for an ominous foreshadowing, then this was surely it. CBJ in one of the less intelligent moments in his not-so-intelligent life then told a burly skin-headed queue jumper what he thought of queue jumpers, and all hell broke loose...
CBJ:- Dude, that's shithouse! It's not like I've been here for five minutes or anything!
SHQJ:- What do you mean? (in a thick scottish accent)
CBJ:- I mean a 'queue' is just that, and surely there's some social etiquette left amongst us?
SHQJ:- Right! That's it, you're having a Tequila!!!
CBJ:- Umm, no! Fight me or something, it will do less damage!
SHQJ:- Barman, make that 5 Tequilas.
There was no coming back from this point, and the initial - and subsequent - Tequilas did little apart from form the foundation of one of the greatest hurls in hurling history! Such was the case that CBJ is expected to be playing at Croke Park next season.
With TheKid out of the picture, the three remaining meandered off to Huddlestone, with 4 people in tow, to share in the 'free alcohol' that was supposedly to be found in abundance at #31.
It's rather uncanny that when a nightspot closes down, the promise of 'free alcohol' can often lead to some interest, so the G7 meandered back to polish off what the remaining 3 shots of alcohol on the house! Abundance!!!
But then the 'obvious foreshadowing' really kicked in, and CBJ, recognising his plight, made a pre-emptive strike, in all it's stomach wrenching glory! DJD, who for some inexplicable reason stayed vigilent throughout the performance rated it as 'one of the most disgusting things ever', but being pre-emptive, everyone was a winner and with some basic housekeeping, it was good as gold!
If there was more to tell, then any omission is purely because it would be heresay, but MBC and the visitors wandered off - in search of TheKid, perhaps - DJD retired to his room, and CBJ did what he tends to do these days, very bloody little!
UK AFL Observations....
Having spent so much time at Telstra Dome over the last 5 years, I thought that I'd not miss the great game nearly as much as I do, but in order to get my fix, I thought I'd serve up a 20 minute review of the 2005 AFL Premiership Season, now that we're at the half-way point.
Adelaide:-
What's going on here? 3rd place? Sure, that monkey Ayres left, and although he's probably the worst AFL coach of the last 20 years, that alone shouldn't springboard a bunch of muppets like it seemingly has. The gods of karma will nail me to the wall for this one, watch the apathetic looking Ken McGregor to beat the Cats next week!
Brisbane:-
Sure, we all knew the Bears were slowing down, but what gives here? I'd get as much of the pill as Voss these days, and the only reason they've fluked a couple of games is because the lad from Camperdown is a machine! But how long until the metal plates in his skull rub together the wrong way and he lays waste to an entire team? When do they play the Roos? Can Leigh Colbert be the prime target here? Someone make it happen, Jonathan??
Carlton:-
16th position isn't that bad! It's not like Soccer, so the Blues wont get relegated, more's the pity! That Andrew Walker is definitely a brownlow candidate and big Lance has definitely been the real deal this year, like was predicted. I can't believe I can still type whilst laughing so hard....
Collingwood:-
Yeah yeah, I took the piss out of them and they summarily mauled the insipid Cats, but it doesn't detract from the fact they're still 13th and fkn rancid! It's obvious why they drafted Cameron and Jason now..... all they need to do is tie Travis up long-term then cut loose the elder Cloke dead-wood. I read an article about how the Pies would be relieved that they didn't trade Didak for Nick Stevens....are they totally fucking insane??? I bet Mike Sheehan wrote that article. If he didn't, he shoulda.
Essendon:-
*giggling*
They go alright these Dons! Matty Lloyd is awesome without a midfield winning the ball, he's snared like under 20 goals, that's not too bad! Poor Hirdy! Perhaps the team's resident excitement machine can take them to the promised land? Is 14th the promised land??
Fremantle:-
They added Schofield and Carr to their line-up and they're still struggling? At least Pavlich is making the leap, perhaps the cats can trade Kent Kingsley for him, after all Kingsley has given 1.5 the output of Lloydy, but perhaps the Shockers want someone to stage for free kicks in the goal square. Kent can't compete with that. 9th? What is that?
Geelong:-
From contenders to dwellar-fodder in a couple of weeks! If the Speedster Wocjinski was on-board none of this would be happening. We all know this! Look for the Cats to drop some more simple games to shitty teams. The Hawks would be next? 4th is not the return that was envisaged a few weeks ago, but hey, people were talking about Nate Ablett to make his debut as well. What's happened to him? Was he on the same plane as The Big Bopper and Ritchie Valance?
Hawthorn:-
When Mark Williams is leading the goalkicking, you know there's something not-quite-right about the league! If Luke Hodge doesn't win a brownlow, then I'm not sitting in London listening to 'Stereophonics', and I am, so he will! The only reason he shouldn't win the Brownlow is because he's from Colac, and no inbred hillbilly should win a brownlow, even though plenty of Tasmanians have in the past!
Kangaroos:-
Yeah, yeah yeah...shinboners spirit, reckon I've not heard that before?! Someone just crack Colbert and we'll all be happy. They'll drop, they just don't have the cattle to do this every year! Although they do have big Sav!!
Melbourne:-
Team is looking solid, and it's good to see Moloney kicking on, but then again, what Geelong player doesn't do well at Melbourne? Fortunately there was no Grgic involved in this trade, although I'm sure big Ilya was on the periphery somewhere. Top 4 club this year, I fear to say.
Port Adelaide:-
Now don't get me wrong, I rate Josh Francou, but I still don't understand the whole, 'it's ok if we lose Carr and Schofield, because Josh will soon be back' line of thinking. This is a guy that's missed two years of footy, right? And he's supposed to be up to making up for Schofield and Carr leaving? I'm not entirely certain how this logic works, but maybe that's why Port are sitting 11th on the ladder, who knows?!
Richmond:-
The greatest thing about not having easy access to the AFL is that I don't have to put up with probably the most annoying fucking thing in world sports, the Tigers bandwagon! I feel sorry for all you bastards back home having to endure this! It must be horrendous! Things should return to normal next year when the Tigers collapse in a screaming heap, and their 'star' players go missing again, but hey, perhaps this time it's different. I realised that I just doomed the Cats to lose to Richmond, but as long as someone smacks Wayne Campbell, I'll be happy.... ok, less sad. 5th? Too high for this cyclically ordinary rabble-posing-as-a-league-team phenomenon.
St. Kilda:-
Now let me get this right, these guys are in 8th position? How does this work? Didn't they draft Ball, X & R Clarke, Goddard, Koschitzke and Riewoldt with some pretty high picks? Didn't they spend a couple of million on Hammill, Powell and Gehrig, and hasn't Dal Santo already won 4 consecutive Brownlows? Isn't Luke Penny and Matt Maguire the greatest FB/CHB combination in history? What's going on here? Sure, they haven't had Richmond's draw and they've had a few injuries and suspensions, but 8th? St Kilda with a bullet!! They'll finish 3-5 or else the G-Train will go ballistic and kill 13 people in a mass killing spree, of which one is sure to be Colbert!
Sydney:-
This team is overrated, and I don't care what you're thinking on the topic, you're just plain wrong! If Sydney make the 8, I'm willing to do a nude run down the main street of Neasden! They're only in 6th because Paul Roos is 'such a nice guy' and because all the other teams that should be ahead of them are inexplicably bad! This will change, I hope!
West Coast:-
What can you say? Fk the Eagles and the horse they rode in on!! They're too good too soon, and I don't like the fact that Ben Cousins didn't play for the Cats like his father, nor the fact that Chris Judd isn't playing for them either. You'd think the football Gods would be fair. Then again, because Richmond are traditionally so fkn bad, perhaps they are fair! Hmmr!
Western Bulldogs:-
Who does Robert Murphy think he is? What's that all about? Scott West is what? 43 years old? He gets more of the ball than I did when I had mumps. Looks like some of the lads are stepping up, particularly Cooney and Tim Walsh! Hahahaha! Just missing the 8 I reckon, but you gotta give these guys credit, particularly freaks like Brad Johnson!
GO THOSE INSIPID FKN CATTERS!!!!!
Adelaide:-
What's going on here? 3rd place? Sure, that monkey Ayres left, and although he's probably the worst AFL coach of the last 20 years, that alone shouldn't springboard a bunch of muppets like it seemingly has. The gods of karma will nail me to the wall for this one, watch the apathetic looking Ken McGregor to beat the Cats next week!
Brisbane:-
Sure, we all knew the Bears were slowing down, but what gives here? I'd get as much of the pill as Voss these days, and the only reason they've fluked a couple of games is because the lad from Camperdown is a machine! But how long until the metal plates in his skull rub together the wrong way and he lays waste to an entire team? When do they play the Roos? Can Leigh Colbert be the prime target here? Someone make it happen, Jonathan??
Carlton:-
16th position isn't that bad! It's not like Soccer, so the Blues wont get relegated, more's the pity! That Andrew Walker is definitely a brownlow candidate and big Lance has definitely been the real deal this year, like was predicted. I can't believe I can still type whilst laughing so hard....
Collingwood:-
Yeah yeah, I took the piss out of them and they summarily mauled the insipid Cats, but it doesn't detract from the fact they're still 13th and fkn rancid! It's obvious why they drafted Cameron and Jason now..... all they need to do is tie Travis up long-term then cut loose the elder Cloke dead-wood. I read an article about how the Pies would be relieved that they didn't trade Didak for Nick Stevens....are they totally fucking insane??? I bet Mike Sheehan wrote that article. If he didn't, he shoulda.
Essendon:-
*giggling*
They go alright these Dons! Matty Lloyd is awesome without a midfield winning the ball, he's snared like under 20 goals, that's not too bad! Poor Hirdy! Perhaps the team's resident excitement machine can take them to the promised land? Is 14th the promised land??
Fremantle:-
They added Schofield and Carr to their line-up and they're still struggling? At least Pavlich is making the leap, perhaps the cats can trade Kent Kingsley for him, after all Kingsley has given 1.5 the output of Lloydy, but perhaps the Shockers want someone to stage for free kicks in the goal square. Kent can't compete with that. 9th? What is that?
Geelong:-
From contenders to dwellar-fodder in a couple of weeks! If the Speedster Wocjinski was on-board none of this would be happening. We all know this! Look for the Cats to drop some more simple games to shitty teams. The Hawks would be next? 4th is not the return that was envisaged a few weeks ago, but hey, people were talking about Nate Ablett to make his debut as well. What's happened to him? Was he on the same plane as The Big Bopper and Ritchie Valance?
Hawthorn:-
When Mark Williams is leading the goalkicking, you know there's something not-quite-right about the league! If Luke Hodge doesn't win a brownlow, then I'm not sitting in London listening to 'Stereophonics', and I am, so he will! The only reason he shouldn't win the Brownlow is because he's from Colac, and no inbred hillbilly should win a brownlow, even though plenty of Tasmanians have in the past!
Kangaroos:-
Yeah, yeah yeah...shinboners spirit, reckon I've not heard that before?! Someone just crack Colbert and we'll all be happy. They'll drop, they just don't have the cattle to do this every year! Although they do have big Sav!!
Melbourne:-
Team is looking solid, and it's good to see Moloney kicking on, but then again, what Geelong player doesn't do well at Melbourne? Fortunately there was no Grgic involved in this trade, although I'm sure big Ilya was on the periphery somewhere. Top 4 club this year, I fear to say.
Port Adelaide:-
Now don't get me wrong, I rate Josh Francou, but I still don't understand the whole, 'it's ok if we lose Carr and Schofield, because Josh will soon be back' line of thinking. This is a guy that's missed two years of footy, right? And he's supposed to be up to making up for Schofield and Carr leaving? I'm not entirely certain how this logic works, but maybe that's why Port are sitting 11th on the ladder, who knows?!
Richmond:-
The greatest thing about not having easy access to the AFL is that I don't have to put up with probably the most annoying fucking thing in world sports, the Tigers bandwagon! I feel sorry for all you bastards back home having to endure this! It must be horrendous! Things should return to normal next year when the Tigers collapse in a screaming heap, and their 'star' players go missing again, but hey, perhaps this time it's different. I realised that I just doomed the Cats to lose to Richmond, but as long as someone smacks Wayne Campbell, I'll be happy.... ok, less sad. 5th? Too high for this cyclically ordinary rabble-posing-as-a-league-team phenomenon.
St. Kilda:-
Now let me get this right, these guys are in 8th position? How does this work? Didn't they draft Ball, X & R Clarke, Goddard, Koschitzke and Riewoldt with some pretty high picks? Didn't they spend a couple of million on Hammill, Powell and Gehrig, and hasn't Dal Santo already won 4 consecutive Brownlows? Isn't Luke Penny and Matt Maguire the greatest FB/CHB combination in history? What's going on here? Sure, they haven't had Richmond's draw and they've had a few injuries and suspensions, but 8th? St Kilda with a bullet!! They'll finish 3-5 or else the G-Train will go ballistic and kill 13 people in a mass killing spree, of which one is sure to be Colbert!
Sydney:-
This team is overrated, and I don't care what you're thinking on the topic, you're just plain wrong! If Sydney make the 8, I'm willing to do a nude run down the main street of Neasden! They're only in 6th because Paul Roos is 'such a nice guy' and because all the other teams that should be ahead of them are inexplicably bad! This will change, I hope!
West Coast:-
What can you say? Fk the Eagles and the horse they rode in on!! They're too good too soon, and I don't like the fact that Ben Cousins didn't play for the Cats like his father, nor the fact that Chris Judd isn't playing for them either. You'd think the football Gods would be fair. Then again, because Richmond are traditionally so fkn bad, perhaps they are fair! Hmmr!
Western Bulldogs:-
Who does Robert Murphy think he is? What's that all about? Scott West is what? 43 years old? He gets more of the ball than I did when I had mumps. Looks like some of the lads are stepping up, particularly Cooney and Tim Walsh! Hahahaha! Just missing the 8 I reckon, but you gotta give these guys credit, particularly freaks like Brad Johnson!
GO THOSE INSIPID FKN CATTERS!!!!!
Rejoining the Congregation
Given the success of the original Tour de Force, two of the original trio - S-Rob and CBJ - made a return visit to London's most celebrated religious venues, this time with; DJD, TheViking, Kylie, Minger and QuietBrother in tow. The pilgrimage was predominantly in order to indoctrinate DJD and convert him to a new order, and conversion was indeed the end result! To say that DJD took to The Church was akin to saying; a) a duck takes to water, b) Kurt Cobain took to self pity, or c) Michael Jackson takes to little children, but since we not about casting aspersionsl here, we'll retract all that, and just nod, with the knowledge that DJD was not unimpressed by his first impression of the great venue.
However, good impressions didn't start there....
S-Rob who'd been on a complete bender the night before called in at 2:54am to inform DJD that he would be attending mass, and although he couldn't distinguish DJD and CBJ apart, he managed to make the queue before 12pm!
The daily journey started as most ordinary Sundays do, cracking open the first Stella jumbo can on the bus at 9:45am, en-route to Golders Green, for the tube cross to Kentish Town via Camden. Funny thing about this commute is that until you hit Camden, you're the only freaks drinking, but from Camden onwards, the freaks aren't drinking, such is the beauty of Sundays in London, particularly those on long weekends.
If you've never been to The Church on a long weekend, my only sage advise is to get there early, and I mean an hour early, because the queue fills up faster a squat in India, and trust me on this, I have the experience to make such claims! So we're in line, and after a few errant calls, the whole squad has mustered in line, 7 eager zealots already half way towards spiritual enlightenment, or at least half way towards a virtual trainwreck, but surely that's part and parcel of any great adventure?!
When we made the run inside, it was the typical race to get to the front, and to gain a central advantage point, and with TheViking and his 6-8 frame leading the way, our position was never in doubt. Apparently 6 foot 8 is 'pretty tall', or so 53,842 people proceeded to utter. Now this leads me to a concept which is not new to any of us, and it's one that can get quite annoying after awhile. It's called 'stating the fkn obvious'! Now this phenomenon is not new to any of us, but it doesn't reduce how annoying it can be, and it should be up there with the likes of 'self defense' in the legal system.
"I am remorseful for stabbing him 29 times, but he was stating the fkn obvious and there was no other action I could take!"
Honestly, how many people have not been forced to act in response like this?
As much as I tried convincing TheViking to respond with some remarks like, "and you're overweight" or "I'm to height what you are to ugly", there was no joy from the big man. But it wasn't all one way traffic, truth be told, a screaming CBJ pushing his way through the crowd to the bar was overheard to be yelling, "GET OUT OF THE WAY, TALL GUY COMING THROUGH"! Moses would have been proud! Well, he'd have been proud if his mission was to part the crowd in The Church, not sure about that Red Sea bizzo.
Apart from height, there were a few other observations from The Church:-
However, good impressions didn't start there....
S-Rob who'd been on a complete bender the night before called in at 2:54am to inform DJD that he would be attending mass, and although he couldn't distinguish DJD and CBJ apart, he managed to make the queue before 12pm!
The daily journey started as most ordinary Sundays do, cracking open the first Stella jumbo can on the bus at 9:45am, en-route to Golders Green, for the tube cross to Kentish Town via Camden. Funny thing about this commute is that until you hit Camden, you're the only freaks drinking, but from Camden onwards, the freaks aren't drinking, such is the beauty of Sundays in London, particularly those on long weekends.
If you've never been to The Church on a long weekend, my only sage advise is to get there early, and I mean an hour early, because the queue fills up faster a squat in India, and trust me on this, I have the experience to make such claims! So we're in line, and after a few errant calls, the whole squad has mustered in line, 7 eager zealots already half way towards spiritual enlightenment, or at least half way towards a virtual trainwreck, but surely that's part and parcel of any great adventure?!
When we made the run inside, it was the typical race to get to the front, and to gain a central advantage point, and with TheViking and his 6-8 frame leading the way, our position was never in doubt. Apparently 6 foot 8 is 'pretty tall', or so 53,842 people proceeded to utter. Now this leads me to a concept which is not new to any of us, and it's one that can get quite annoying after awhile. It's called 'stating the fkn obvious'! Now this phenomenon is not new to any of us, but it doesn't reduce how annoying it can be, and it should be up there with the likes of 'self defense' in the legal system.
"I am remorseful for stabbing him 29 times, but he was stating the fkn obvious and there was no other action I could take!"
Honestly, how many people have not been forced to act in response like this?
As much as I tried convincing TheViking to respond with some remarks like, "and you're overweight" or "I'm to height what you are to ugly", there was no joy from the big man. But it wasn't all one way traffic, truth be told, a screaming CBJ pushing his way through the crowd to the bar was overheard to be yelling, "GET OUT OF THE WAY, TALL GUY COMING THROUGH"! Moses would have been proud! Well, he'd have been proud if his mission was to part the crowd in The Church, not sure about that Red Sea bizzo.
Apart from height, there were a few other observations from The Church:-
- DJD is not shy with a digicam, particularly if the subjects are sub-20 and scantily clad,
- Chicks don't care about your looks if you're a well hung black guy dancing on stage,
- Chicks care if you snog someone else 3 feet from them if you're supposedly going there to see them,
- If you hear someone has a friend called 'Min' don't get any ideas that it's some how chick from a 'Wheel of Time' book, as it's probably short for 'Minger', and the best form of reference is www.mingers.com,
- CBJ can be harsh, yet fair.....
After the usual post-Church chants of 'take it off', many people headed their separate ways; some home, and everyone else - seemingly - to 'The Walkabout' in Shepherds Bush. Good times!
Shepherds Bush is a fair hike from Camden town, but when you've got a skinful, pretty much everything seems a good idea, even a 4-11 midget snogging a 6-8 in a crowded subway car. Three words: Awkward, but amusing! There's more than one way to Valhalla, apparently!
So we got to 'the bush', which although not necessarily as revealing as Pi Delta Pi's video frenzy in 'Revenge of the Nerds' still had some sights to be seen! As soon as the motley brigade got out of the tube station, it was like an army of drunken antipodean urinators had been let loose to sow their seed, and restaurant walls soon becoming living urinals. Hats off to DJD, breaking the 15 minute barrier! The guy goes longer than Aza can last without taking a slash! Kudos!
The Bush is pumping, there's seriously 212,000 Aussies in there! It's wall to wall bodies, kinda like, ummm, I'll refrain from this analogy! There's a lot of people in there! Move along, nothing to see here.
So after who knows how many extra beers, TheViking disappears to Finnish off the Sunday biz, and we're all left shaking our heads as to what transpired, particularly those with patchy memories! DJD apparently leaves a few hours later, leaving CBJ to run into random male nurses who he met in another life, and hang out with the ubiquitous Nick from Willesden.
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